Friday, January 1, 2010

dwelling in the past

happy new year! it's the first day of 2010, a new decade, the year when i'll turn 30 (OMG!), and i'm cleaning my room. LOL!

i'm a pack rat. i hate to admit it but i am. i wouldn't say that i'm quite on the level of being a 'hoarder' but maybe that's just denial. i hate throwing things away that have sentimental value but i also hate throwing away gift bags, foam core from school, clothes that don't fit anymore. i avoid getting rid of things because i KNOW that as soon as i throw something away i'll need it for reals. it's happened to me more times than i can count. i hate the feeling of regret and i also hate the feeling of buying something i had the day before trash day. AUGH! hate it.

but here i am....throwing things away. old magazines, knick-knacks i don't need, and even old memories. yes, i've come to the point where i've decided to get rid of things from the past. for example, my senior year in high school i kept small glass bottles containing sand from memorable moments in my life.

august 30, 1997 - senior girls going to santa monica for a sleep over with our teacher, irene

april 12 1998 - learning to drive for the first time with jean and anna

april 13-17, 1998 - my last mission trip to ensenada, mexico with the youth group

august 27, 1998 - visiting stanley park in canada with some youth group people and our pastor

august 29, 1998 - lincoln city, oregon on the same trip

these bottles used to be displayed on my dresser in a neat row. they meant so much to me back then. apparently 1998 was a big year for me. but as i emptied out these bottles i was a little sad. i mean, these bottles have long been tucked away in a closet and i haven't looked at them in ages but i still felt a tinge of sadness. the places and memories have gone and what used to be so precious isn't so much now.

i remember when i was in college sometimes i would have conversations with peers about the "good ol' days" when we were in youth group and how different things were back then. we would reminisce with such rose-colored glasses and it was hard not to look back with desire and longing. the best days seemed to always be in the past. i'm happy i memorialized those peaks during my youth when i did but i guess i feel like that chapter has closed and it's appropriate for a new one to start. i feel optimistic about the present and future and i don't want to dwell in the past anymore.

i look toward the future wanting to live leaner, with more intention, and with bravery. i see the road ahead and i don't want to be afraid of where it will lead but trust that it's going in the right direction. i want to be thankful for the first 30 years of my life and believe that the next 30 years will be even better, starting with this one.

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